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TV Free Dog River/Transcript
Trike DuBois (Stunt Guy): Hey, I'm Trike DuBois. I'm gonna ride this trike down a hill and jump off a ramp. Ah! Hank Yarbo: Cool! Hank: I'm tricycle Hank and I'm gonna ride my trike down this hill and off a ramp. Brent Leroy: Um, that's a slide. Hank: You see any hills around here? Wanda Dollard: Where'd you see this again? Hank: On TV. Brent: For the last time, Wile E. Coyote's a cartoon. Hank: No, this was a real guy. Wanda: And he hurt himself? Hank: Yeah. Wanda: Proceed. Hank: Whoa! Brent: Don't try this at home kids. Molly (Playground Kid): Ah, doy. Fitzy Fitzgerald: OK, any new business? Emma Leroy: Yes. I read that tomorrow is the start of "Turn Off Your TV" week. Brent: I propose we ban reading. Emma: Well, I think Dog River should take part. Even Wullerton is doing it. I'd like to stick it to that town. I should have won their knitting contest, you saw what I knit. Brent: You knit a scarf that says "Wullerton Sucks." Emma: Well, they should have recognized the skill involved. Who's with me? Hank: I say we do it. TV almost killed me. Oscar Leroy: Don't listen to this jackass! I love TV and TV loves me. Brent: Well, here's something you won't hear me say very often. I agree with my Dad. TV's like the brother I never had. Hank: I thought I was the brother you never had. Brent: No, you're the non-brother I did have. Lacey Burrows: I don't watch TV so missing a week of it would be a breeze for me. Well, I do watch one show, "So You Think Your Kid Can Dance." But that's it. Last night was actually pretty good. There was this kid from Cincinnati and his Dad just lost his job, his Mom's in jail. So, this little kid, he's eight years old, he danced his heart out. I, I called in and voted for him like, ten times. You can do that. You can do that. You can call in an vote as many times as you want. Karen Pelly: I think we should give up TV just to get off the junk. Brent: People, people, listen to yourselves. You're actually talking about giving up TV for an entire week. That's, that's seven days. This is madness. Wanda, back me up on this. Wanda: Sorry, what are we talking about? I don't pay attention at these things. Brent: Giving up TV for a week. Wanda: Ha, ha, yeah. Good luck with that. Emma: Let's put it to a vote. Those in favour of no TV for a week and sticking it to Wullerton, spit. Fitzy: Done. Oscar: Hey, you tricked us! Lacey: Hey, so how is day one of no TV going? Brent: Good, good. I don't need TV. Plenty else to do. Brent: Whoa, now it's two pieces of floaty goop. Brent: I get by. How about you? Lacey: Ah, fantastic. I've got all this free time. I've been baking, calling old friends... Lacey (phone): Hey, do you watch "So You Think Your Kid Can Dance?" Oh, you lost your TV in the divorce? I see, huh. Do you have your ex-husband's phone number? Brent: Good for us. Well, I'm off to put a raisin in soda water. Somebody told me it goes up and down. Davis Quinton: It's 20 minutes after the hour and Karen Pelly has just entered the Police station. No accidents so it should be smooth walking all the way to her desk. Karen: What are you doing? Davis: I got out the old ham radio and I was thinking we could do a radio show to help people through no TV week. Karen: Oh, that is so cool! This gonna be great. Classic rock station, right her in Dog River. Davis: Yeah, 'cause that's what Saskatchewan needs, another classic rock station. Maybe we could call it "The Bear" or "The Goat" or "The Moose." Karen: That's good, I like all of those names. Davis: No, what Saskatchewan needs is an all jazz station. Karen: But I thought we wanted people to listen. Or am I confused? Hank: I like this TV-free week. You know, I finally have some time to catch up on some reading. Wanda: What are you reading? The back of cereal boxes? Hank: Yeah, yeah. I started with the back of the Trix box and then I got through the Alpha-Bits box and Shreddries, couldn't put it down. If you want I'll lend it to you. Wanda: Oh thanks, but I read these things called books. Hank: Oh. Well, if you get tired of those I recommend anything from Kellogg's. Having trouble with your crossword? Wanda: Having trouble concentrating on my crossword. Hank: Starts with an "M", word for "belittled." Midget. Here, I'll write it. Wanda: No, you're not writing anything. Hank: I got it. Wanda: No! Hank: Give it! Brent: Well, this is never going to float. Now, this is worth watching. Oscar: I'm bored. Emma: Listen to the radio. Oscar: I hate listening to the radio. Creeps me out. Emma: Well, you can't sit here moping all day. Oscar: Watch me. Oscar: Clean the basement. You clean the basement. Clean yourself, stupid bookcase. Hello you, oh. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Brent: Hey. Wanda was just here and she said she wanted you to meet outside the gas station later so she could give you a gift. Hank: A gift, really? Brent: Yeah, she said she was feeling bad about freaking out on you earlier. Oh yeah, she's cleaning the windows and she was wondering if you could help her by dumping out her dirty water bucket. Brent: Hey Wanda, I was just talking to Hank and he said he read the back of a Triscuits box and now he's smarter than you. Wanda: Smarter than me? He's not smarter than the Triscuits. Brent: He said you say something like that. That's not what it was. He said you're easier to read than a box of Triscuits. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Wanda: No, no. This is good to know. Brent: Ha, ha. Ha, ha, oh. Hair Woman: Excuse me... Brent: Shh, shh. My show's on. Lacey: Hey Oscar. So, this no TV thing must be killing you, eh? Oscar: I've never done anything easier. Water off a duck. Lacey: Yeah, me too. Oh yeah, last night I did some more baking. Read a couple chapters of...oh God, I would give it all up for one minute of "So You Think Your Kid Can Dance." Oscar: I can hook you up. Lacey: What? Oscar: I'm talking prime time quality stuff. Oscar: I get two other channels. There's a Moose Jaw station and there's CBC. Lacey: That can't be the CBC. TV Announcer: Hockey on TSN... Lacey: Oh, there it is, there it is. Leave it there. Oscar: So, that's it? That's the show you want to watch? Lacey: Yeah. What are you doing? Oscar: Five bucks if you want to watch the rest of your kids show. Davis (radio): Hi, welcome back. I'm Downtown Davis and you're listening to "All That Jazz." And now, for weather's on the ones with Jazzy K.P. Karen (radio): This is Special K with your wacky weather. Looking outside, there's a 30% chance of thhmmp with the barometer going all the way up to a-oog-kaa. Back to you Big D. Davis (radio): It's Downtown Davis. Anyway, it's TV-free week here in Dog River and with us on the show we have Emma Leroy. Emma (radio): Why are you talking like that? Davis (radio): Now, you've spearheaded this whole project... Karen (radio): Thhmmp...hey Big D, did you just eat a burrito? Davis (radio): No, I did not. Karen (radio): Sorry Emma, I apologize for Big D. Please continue. Emma (radio): Well, I thought Dog River should... Karen (radio): Thhmmp...oh man! I think Big D just gave birth to a fog monster. Oscar: TV? TV? Denizen: What'd you got? Oscar: What do you need? Some Muppets? Some Flintstones? A little Punky Brewster? Denizen: Yeah. Lacey: What are you doing? Oscar: Making a little cash-ola. You know, a little scratch, a little chicken seed? Lacey: Well, you can't do it in here. We're gonna get caught. Emma: Get caught doing what? Oscar: Selling moonshine, ha, ha. You know, just trying to help people get through no TV week. Emma: Good. Whatever it takes to beat... Lacey: Yes, we all know what the town's name is. Hank: So I'm confused. What was the present Wanda was supposed to give me? Was it the wet sponge to the face or the purple nurple? Brent: Yeah, I don't know what happened there. I think she feels threatened by how smart you are now. Hank: Well that's understandable. Brent: Wanda mentioned something about challenging you to a game of chess. Hank: Bring it on. The two smartest people in town duking it out in an ultimate battle of wits? Brent: Yeah. You know that chess is the one with the little castles and horsies, right? Hank: Oh, OK. Well, bring it on. Lacey: I was pretty quiet. I think I made it past Emma. Oscar: Emma's not home. Lacey: Oh, well then I definitely did. Oscar: Oh, what have you got there? Lacey: Whoa, whoa, whoa Ted Turner. Three bucks each. Oscar: What? That's highway robbery. Lacey: I tell you what. You let me watch TV for free and you can have a sticky bun. Oscar: Deal. Hey, want a sticky bun? Four bucks. Lacey: Oscar. They're five. Wanda: So, a 230 pound birdie in a blue shirt told me that you think you can beat me at chess. Hank: That's right. So, let's get it on. Check and mate. Wanda: This is gonna be easier than I thought. Oh. You glued my pieces to the board. Hank: No, I didn't glue... Wanda: Oh, and I see that yours are free to run around and jump and frolic. Look, oh look at us. I'm winning at chess, I'm a genius. Hank: I think that's, that's an illegal move. Brent: Ha, ha, ha. Ooo quick, act like you're buying something. Davis (phone): No, we're not doing the weather again. Next caller. Michael Bublé (phone): Is this "All That Jazz" with Downtown Davis? Because I'd love to hear some jazz. Davis (phone): All right. And what can I play for you? Bublé (phone): I'd love to hear Michael Bublé's "Sway." Davis (phone): Oh come on, Michael Bublé's not jazz. Bublé (phone): He's a gifted vocalist who defies gendres. Davis (phone): I'd rather listen to the weather. Davis: Are there no serious jazz fans out there? Karen: Well, maybe if you lightened up your show would be more popular. Davis: I can lighten up. Watch this. Davis (radio): Hello jazz fans, this is Downtown Davis. I'm gonna make a phone call but it's not a real phone call, it's what we like to call a crank call. OK, here we go. Brent (phone): Corner Gas. Davis (phone): Hello. Brent (phone): Hey, Davis. Davis (phone): This isn't Davis. This is John Coltrane, saxophonist. Do you have any Popsicles? Brent (phone): Isn't John Coltrane dead? Davis (phone): Yes, that's why this is Charlie Parker. Brent (phone): He's dead too. Davis (phone): Right, I mean, Ornette Coleman. Brent (phone): You wanna think this through and call me back? Davis (phone): No, I don't know what you're...thhmmp. Karen: Now you're getting it. Jenny (Window Denizen): Has it started yet? Brent: Just about to. Should be a good one. Here we go, "The Hank and Wanda Show." Well, that's kinda weird. Oscar: Hey, Jim. Your usual spot? Jim: Please. Oscar: Lacey, Jim's here. Two sticky buns, pronto. Lacey: Coming right up. Hi ya, Jim. Oscar: It's Emma. OK everyone, you know the drill. Lacey: Come on. Emma: What are you all doing down here? Oscar: Hey, Emma. Just a friendly game of cards. Emma: Cards? Oscar: Yeah. Emma: What do you think I am, an idiot? Oscar: Oh-ho, a radio. Thanks Emma. Karen (radio): You're listening to DRPD! Lacey: Maybe we don't need the radio. Wanda: There they are, the happy sponsors. Gotta be happy with that show. Huge ratings, seven, maybe eight people. Darren: Great, and here's your coupon for a free tire rotation. Wanda: You trying to stiff me? Damn right, tire gauge. Hank: I get to keep that mug, right Phil? Phil Kinistino: I wasn't really happy with how my business was represented. Hank: Come on man, I drank the hell out of that mug. Phil: All right, here's a coaster. Hank: Score. Davis (radio): Coming up next, we have Special K with her ever popular weather report. Karen (radio): Thanks, Davis. Outside we... Davis (radio): But not before we hear from Big Daddy Davis with his traffic report. This is Davis with his eye in the sky. We're looking down on Main Street and it looks a little back-a-dack-dacked out there. We've got some cattle on the road, moo, and a couple of lions as well. Roar. And a donkey. Hee-haw. And now over to Special K for the weather. Karen (radio): Well, it is hotter out there than a...meow. I can't do this. Davis (radio): Well, here is a weather report for you. Karen's attitude is as cold as ice. And speaking of "Cold as Ice", here's a little Foreigner for ya. OK, that's not Foreigner but if it was that would have been pretty cool. Lacey: So, you having a good time? You enjoying the show? Ian (Sub Customer): Yeah, it's good. Lacey: What's that you're eating? Ian: It's a sticky bun. Lacey: Really? Since when does a sticky bun have ham and cheese in it? Oscar, this guy's packing a sub. Oscar: What? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I invite you into my house, charge you five bucks to watch a crappy TV and this is how you repay me? Lacey: Get out. Ian: But Pebbles and Bam-Bam are about to sing. Oscar: Get out! Brent: I've soaped up the windows on Wanda's car pretending to Hank. There's a lemon meringue pie pearched precariously on the ladder. Let's see what happens on "The Hank and Wanda Show." Wanda: That looks like a delicious watermelon Hank, wherever did you get it? Hank: At the Foo Mart, 99 cents a pound. Wanda: Foo Mart's great. I find that their warm and friendly staff is always eager to answer any question I might have. Hank: And now with the extra till they've added, there's no reason to wait in line. Wanda: Who's smart...? Hank: Thou art... Hank and Wanda: When you shop at Foo Mart. Brent: You gotta be kidding me. Jenny: This is just one big ad. Brent: No wait, they could still drop that pie. That would be funny. I could squirt them with a hose. Karen (radio): Hello DRPD, you're on the air. Caller (phone): Hi, is this the police station? Davis (radio): No, it's Party Patrol with Special K and Big D. Caller (phone): Right, I just thought you guys should know that there's some illegal TV watching going on at the Leroy residence. Davis (radio): All right buddy, thanks and all but why don't you leave the pranks to Downtown Davis. Next caller. Caller (phone): Hello? My house is on fire and my cat is trapped upstairs. Davis (radio): Thanks sir, we'll get right on that. Karen: I think those might have been real calls. Hank: Where is everybody? Brent: They're gone, show's over. Wanda: What? Why? Brent: Because you sold out. It was nothing but one big commercial. Wanda: You're the one who manipulated us. We were just trying to make a buck. Hank: Literally, a buck. Brent: I was just trying to get through no TV week and you guys had to ruin it with your shameless product placement. Davis: Hello? DRPD. Oscar: It's the cops. Places everyone. Davis: Open up. We know you got a TV in there. All right, we're coming in. Emma: All right, you caught me. Who can go a whole week without watching TV? Oscar: Emma, how could you? Lacey: After everything we've done to win this contest. For you. Karen: I found another one downstairs. Davis: That's great. Just what we need, lose another competition to Wullerton. Emma: Not necessarily. We could lie. Brent: It's nice to have you back, old friend. Hank: Oh, that guy in the beer commercial just opened his bottle with his teeth. Brent: Wait Hank, I don't think you want to... Wanda: Let's just see where this goes. Hank: Oh, my mouth! Wanda: TV's great. Brent: Ha, ha, ha. Boy, TV really is fantastic. Hi, I'm Brent, from TV. I know that Corner Gas is a show that's watched by the whole family. So, I wanted to take a moment to say something to the kids out there. In tonight's episode, the folks in Dog River got out of a jam by telling a lie. Now, that maybe fine and funny here in the TV world but out there in real life, telling a lie is never a good way to solve a problem. Unless you're in a real bind and telling the truth is just gonna cause a big hassle and make somebody mad at you. Good night everybody. Category:Transcripts